I just finished reading the hunger games trilogy. I don't know how important this will be for me long term in my life, but right now I think it will be because right now it is. A friend of mine at Hendrix complained about the later books being only about the main character wailing "oh no, I have PTSD, what do I do," (don't worry, I thoroughly chewed him out after that description of it), but the thing is that is what life becomes when it onsets like that. I am amazed that Suzanne Collins captured it so elegantly and unapologetically.

And it has given me greater internal fortitude as I let go of defensive personality shells built to protect the easily damaged inner being of me, especially as I face very slowly the emotional and mental effects of what that man did and tried to do (and how I handled the situation). It's painful but I've studied this kind of thing so much, mainly for other people, that even though its hard I have a map to recovery memorized in my head and I'm already following it.

Other higher level basics of life lost two years ago have also been recovered over the last few months, like the willingness to face my own written work and edit it, or getting a week or two week start on a paper. It helps that my frontal cortex is developing at this period of my life thus allowing this kind of organization and decision making, and while it would be easy to say that my "recovery" of these organizational skills has to do with that rather than any psychological development, I think that assumption disregards the evidence of what capacities I lost back in the dark times.

Anyway, even this rape attempt/attack has a good side. I can look back on the situation and calmly nod to myself in approval that I hit him and ran. I can look on the entire situation and see how I have removed painful, limiting norms and values for much more compassionate and open ones and that I have the fortitude to stand up for these even if they're not popular. I know some people understand them and that is alright with me.

Anyway, that's that. I'm going to look up an article to base my third Theories paper on and also settle on which human right violation in Chile I'm going to focus on for my first policy brief - - I think I'll make it on unequal access to education in Chile and recommend changing wage laws to improve income equality, which presently is dismal. Though right now in this moment I'm going to grab my spanish book, hop on a tredmill, and do some walking.

Oh, I also found out something else today after lunch. I told the friend I had lunch with what happened, and... she doesn't really get it nor get how to help me nor see that she's not helping me, but she's trying, and that is nice enough for now. But as we walked around the mall (with me trying very hard not to descend into the crying, shaking, screaming mess I was this morning when on the phone with mom) we walked into a store and I heard a song I knew. It was one of the 'pop-dance' songs I like to listen to (eg. We found love - rihanna), one that is often interpreted as advocating licentious and debauch behavior, but I don't interpret it as that. The beat itself is meant just to dance and feel, and the lyrics are meant to be simple and easy to follow, and I often use them as a sort of meditation, almost like a mantra with associated bell and drum beats. And it gave me hope hearing that music because it meant I can still hear what I think is the more valuable level of that music, and that in that kind of place I am still safe, and I can grow around this event.

Today I'm having a day of doubt, caused in part by labels, their implications, and those that use them.

Over the last two weeks or so I've been, well, halfheartedly investigating romantic possibilities in the Hendrix-UCA area, having amassed some boldness to pry into the availability of some really nice guys around here.
(Note: one of them turned out to be straight {Guh, so annoying}, but he handled the situation beautifully, explaining that he was very flattered but as he can't develop feelings for other people of the male type he'd prefer if we could be friends. And we can, and are. His name is Joe. We talk about history. :P)
Anyway, I've been once again faced with the issue of attraction, that being physical opposites tend to attract and mental similars attract, with emotional stability being the glue that keeps it all together. (that's my own interpretation of the emotional side, fyi) And, as I've mentioned before, I like guys. And I mean GUYS. As in there is no question about their ability to move big objects and grow a goatee within a week if they so desired.
My personal physical self-assessment has led me to see myself as, well, rather cute but generally more elegant, but also with a fair amount of intimidating assertiveness to keep myself from becoming social road-kill. And its that last thing, at least from my past discussions with people who meet my "gonna melt" specifications, as well as a general mellowness as opposed to continuous excitability (how in the world can someone be excitable all the time and not explode?), makes me a momentary glance instead of a lingering stare.
Their precise descriptions, amazingly enough, all include the phrase, "You're just not pretty enough."

Ow. (it is so strange how we write that word/expression thingie)

This is rather discouraging when you hear it on a semi-regular basis from the people you are attracted to. I have friends, many of which are women (who are, no offense, are of limited help in the verbal uplifting department), who say I am pretty, but they tend to use the masculine term handsome instead. T.T ...Which then confirms what those other guys say: I am attractive, but not attractive in the right way

However I also know several guys who are in their very late 20's and up who DO match my physical attraction, er, stuff who disagree with the younger guys. These friends of mine (who I adore so very much but am also a little iffy around because, well, they call me pretty and cute and such... and they're generally over 30. o.0 . . . eh-heh, aaaaawwwwwkkkwwwwaaaaaaaarrrd) explain that they would have expressed their interest in me if they were younger (easier to say in hindsight) and don't know how those other guys are coming to their conclusions.

I think a lot of this situation can be explained by the following, eh, doo-hickies.

1. Age and loneliness : the older guys aren't as regularly exposed to the young and dynamic, and when one crosses their path they are more likely to notice it. Plus this troupe of people are more interested in settling down with one person whereas a lot of guys my age are more interested in the buffet.

2. Personal differences : Some guys honestly aren't attracted to mellow personalities and perfer hyper-feminine personalities. My friend Xan is perfect example of this - - he is bisexual, but likes obvious physical expressions of submissivness. There is a whole psychological side of that that I'm not a fan of, and I think he needs some serious self-reflection there, but on the physical level I can understand and respect his attractions.

3. Under-appreciation of general mellowness as compared to general excitability and emotional/identity submissiveness : I'm submissive in that I don't think of myself as inherently below anyone else. Or above, DEFINITELY not above. I'd just prefer that the person I'm with be able to look after me so that I don't always have to look after myself. However, a lot of people I have talked to on these topics have mentioned how much they want someone who is energetic and happy all the time. Yet they get annoyed by optimism. Or the endless effusing of adorability of a group of kittens or baby tapirs. Or relax away from their chosen partner via television watching or video games. This leads in to the next thing...

4. Most of us don't really know what we want : ...and we don't tend to realize this until we've encountered what we DON'T want several times over. A blog I regularly read (the name of which has escaped me for the moment) once put down a template to figure out what we think we want as compared to what we REALLY want in terms of relationships. And I should also mention that relationships are not supposed to be something where one person takes or receives just what they want from someone else and that's that. That's called a long term escort service. Relationships involve TWO people (sometimes more, but I'm not a polyamorist so I'm just gonna talk about two here) where both give and receive... what exactly? Benefits? Things missing from our childhoods? Nope - I think these things demonstrate that we are thinking about relationships in the wrong way. In a relationship we are there to love and be loved, and that is much easier with someone we like and admire than with someone we don't, on the physical, mental, and emotional levels. As my friend Maria put it too, Love is an action, not a feeling. We feel admiration, appreciation, compassion, arousal, bliss, serenity, each very fleeting things. And if we approach Love as just a feeling then guess what, it's going to flee right away from us. And that's because Love is an action that you have to participate in, form into a habit, and then continue develop as with the rest of the parts of your person.

How many of us know that? Yeah, not too many. As for myself I only know a few basics of what I like and admire - the rest is open.

5. Placing excessive value on physical attraction : Somehow or another my head picked up early in my life that following physical attraction alone when trying to find someone is really REALLY dangerous. You tend to miss mental attractiveness, submerge your personality (with its needs and wants) in carnal thinking and acts, and to top it all of earn one vocal and nasty reputation, thereby screwing up a lot of your chances to find something meaningful later on in life.


But at the end of the day I think I should handle the matter like this: The only thing I can absolutely control in life is myself, and that's only to a limited degree. I can influence others if they invite my advice in or if there is a general void in that area of their lives, but aside from that I cannot force anyone to see me any differently than they do nor can I necessarily force them to use a partner-appraisal method most people have found to be less problematic and hurtful for everyone involved in the short, medium, and long terms. (screw you Dan Savage)
Instead what I can do is change how I look at others. Evaluating other men I meet as worthy of romantic inquiry or not is not a very healthy use of my time. After all everyone is a full fledged person, and they deserve to be known in their entirety, even if they don't necessarily know what all that is yet. Moreover I am attractive, and I'm working slowly to integrate the childish slightly feminine side of myself I feel got squished by an anvil of social invalidity when I was younger. (that I can still feel today but I'm less permitting of it)


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Another side of my doubt has to do with comparisons between myself and others. This in and of itself really isn't a wise practice, but I woke up in the middle of a dream that quite disagreed, so I didn't have a great choice in the matter this morning.
It has to do with, well, the fact that a lot of my friends are securing jobs or internships in their fields that are prestigious or well-paying right out of college. And I'm not and I'm not going to be able to in part because I'm an IR major - - we don't tend to get well paying jobs without higher degrees, and even then big bucks don't and/or prestige don't come in unless one takes up a position at a corporation (which generally I'd prefer not to do) or has the assertive/aggressive personality oft found in high political offices (which I REALLY don't want to get involved with). Granted money clearly isn't everything (though it is helpful for paying my own bills and a such so I don't have to rely on my parents for too much longer), and true prestige comes from character, the way one lives their life, not some title slapped on someone's name by a structure produced by groups of people ignorant of philosophical, historical, and social underpinnings to their actions and overall relevance.

In other words, money and prestige are rather stupid things to be worrying about not obtaining soon. But I am in a field where the social norm DOES care about those things. Sigh. Don't get me wrong, I love studying IR and using it and other fields to analyze things. But I love it in such a different way than so many of my peers it is easy to feel alienated and even hateful at times, I'm sad to say.

Though knowing a good chunk of psychology does help me deconstruct many of the personalities and actions of my peers and reveal them to have self identity and security issues that far outweigh the things I'm mentioning now, so I don't feel too bad for too long. Compassion and empathy helps. :)


So... yup!

So aside from it being 1:00 AM and I should be sleeping as part of good Circadian planning, right now I am doing all right. Here are a few things from this week:

1. I dropped Model UN. This was my dream course until I got in it and found my dreams rest somewhere else. The workload was rushed and concentrated since the class has only 1.5 months to prepare for a competition they usually have 3.5 months to work in. (I'm ignoring fun grammar and pointing all comments in that direction to the hour and my loopiness) I was also paired with someone who many see as my close friend, when the reality is I'm more of her anchor for sanity at the moment. She was lots of fun and helpful when I was younger, but since returning to Hendrix my relationship with this person has been one sided at politest. Working with her was very much like working with a cackling loose cannon. There was also the collateral psychological damage I was taking due to my partner and my prof./advisor clashing in a very disappointing way. All of this, plus finding the room of thirty students were for the most part there for, pardon the colloquialness, crack-ego-tripping (think the bad kind of politician) that I simply couldn't take it anymore. This past Wednesday I was so worn out and in so much pain that I broke down crying, felt like there was no way out of the situation... until I realized there WAS a way out. Drop the class. It was my elective this semester anyway - - it doesn't affect my graduation time. So that is what I did. My prof./advisor was very kind about the matter (though I left out the part where he scared the living bejesus out of me, instead emphasizing the serious downfall in my psychological health and liability as a member of the team). And that is that.

2. Adopting a frame of mind where I am okay with a different body shape is going well for the most part - - I am still convincing myself that I don't have to see every abdominal all the time. However after dropping the protein powder I've dropped several pounds and inches in different places, and now my weight is holding steady at about 126. And this feels natural and limber - - its nice not to have all that extra weight on my arms or legs or chest, it means I can move around even quicker now! YAY, hyper John go VOOM! One thing I've found out though is that I need new shoes, preferably ones that give good support to lateral movement - - I think THAT is what triggers my ankle getting fired up and then misaligning my knee and hip.

3. I also realized that on the matter of conscious development I only have so much capacity. I.e., I can't multitask here and be effective. Thus right now I'm focusing more of my power towards peaceably ending the body battle and less on the "Sweet" and kind presentation of incorporeal attitudes and buried sentiments. (heh heh heh... I used big words :) )

4. The roommate's side of the apartment is a little weird right now - - a shifted dynamic took place. That's the most I will say on it, though I'll also say that a fractional part of it involves on of the two over there trying to get me to hook up with another gay friend of theirs.

T.T

5. Continuing to recover from all the stuff that has happened between me and you know who. I read somewhere (I think it was either in a work by Ann Lamont or Elizabeth Gilbert but I'm not certain) that when recovering over a really big break up (one that includes the break up of a way you see the world) there is a time when all you can think and talk about is that person. I can only imagine how grated or bemused you guys get when I go on and on about what all happened, but it is really helpful to know I can just spill things out, even the same things over and over again until the self-filtering process catches all the things it needs to and then I can be rid of the rest of the unfortunate details.
Anyway, I found myself thinking Friday and again today that I really hope that he has a beautiful life, that the problematic parts of his life settle in a new, better place, and that he can smile and rest easy. ... :)

6. Valentine's day was originally a day of all sorts of true love, not just romantic love, according to my catholic friend person. So I think I will walk with that thought in my pocket this week. :)

7. I'm tired so I'm ending this thing here. Hope to talk to you guys all later!